soon to be un-teenagerMonday, July 03, 2006

Today marks the last day of my teen age. I'm going to be 20 very soon. In, like, 14 hours. I don't want to. 19 began with such immense despair that I never knew how I'd pick myself up again. It's ending in a manner that I just don't want to turn 20 anymore, I keep thinking this is probably the best time I'll ever have in my life.

In the past three months, I've barely spent seven or eight nights at home. Been out every night, and it has helped. It's helped me grow, it's helped me get over the pain, it's helped me develop as a new person, it's helped me regain my sense of self, it's helped me test my limits and realize how strong I really am. It's helped me know myself so much more better than I ever could have.. It's helped me become happy. Thank you Bhaiyya, Bhabi, Ammi and Papa for being so understanding and making things so much easier.

For my 18th birthday, I was promised an all expenses paid trip to Paris – that didn't work out for some reason, but it was the thought that counted.
For my 19th birthday, I got my very own top of the line, excellent, wonderful laptop.
For my 20th birthday, I've gotten my very own car and so much freedom and trust.

Heh, no wonder I lahv buddays ;)

I don't know what to do for the birthday, I've spent all my birthdays in Dubai – this is the first time after years that I'm going to be spending it in Karachi. I just don't know what to do, there are so many different groups of friends that I can't possibly go out with just a selected few. I think I'll just spend time with family, we'll go for dinner or something and also take Nausheen along.

I don't know what will be worse: if you wish me on my birthday, or if you don't. I wish that you'd just stop existing. Not die. But pfft! Just vanish from the face of this earth. I don't hate you anymore, don't know about love either. But I glance at you and though it's heart wrenching, the pain goes away in an instant and I become indifferent and block you out. You don't make my heart skip so much anymore. But I don't want school to resume, I don't want to see you everyday anymore. Seeing you twice in the past two months has been more than enough, thank you. But. But. You’re not my mindfuck anyway, so hah.

This time around, for all the things I'm thankful for, the family is top of the list with Nausheen and Amena as close seconds. I don't know how I would have made through this year, I don't know how I would have gotten over the pain. I was so miserable it made my heart break. It's still not completely repaired but I'm getting there.

I love you Ammi and Papa.
I love you Jo and Arfi.
I love you Bhaiyya and Bhabi.
I love you Sheen and Amu.

Lots of happiness, lots of love.
I think I'm ready to be 20 now :)